Tuesday, 31 January 2017

The Note

"Darla? See! Daddy got you a present."
"OH. MY. GOD. I Love you, Daddy. I'll wear this next time we go skiing."
"Honey, She already has three skiing suits."
"Your mom loves frowning at all things, I tell you."
"Hahahaha! Daddy, mom's going to kill both of us for this."
"Or worse, no dinner tonight for you two."
"Mom? Mom where are you? I'm home. And hungry."
"I made pancakes for little darla."
"Darlaaa? Darling, where are you? We're getting late. we should hit the road now. Make it fast, honey."
"Coming, dad."
"A hundred miles, a hundred miles,
A hundred miles, a hundred miles
You can hear the whistle blow a hundred miles...."
"Honey, be careful."
"Lord, I'm one, Lord, I'm two,
Lord, I'm three, Lord, I'm four
Lord, I'm five hundred miles away from home....."
"Congratulations, madam. Your daughter's out of comma and fine. But she needs to rest for another one month."
"Mom, where's dad?"
"Honey, you need to rest."
"Mom? Mom? You there?"
"Mom, wake up? I'm hungry, Mom. Wake up. WAKE UP, Mom? Mom? MOM?"
"Hey, there! Little princess."
"NO! No. NO. No. Don't touch  me. Don't you dare come near me. Don't. Just don't."
"Honey, stop. Come out. Come out. I mean no harm."
"Noooooooo! Don't you get it! Get away. DON'T TOUCH ME....."
"Darl, babe, it's me. Ted. Let me help you. Please. Please come out? TRUST ME?"
"Darla?" a sudden call knocked me to my senses. After a good two-three minutes, wiping of the sweat beads from my forehead  I was relieved to see a face that reminded me of home and comfort. "Are  you okay? Do you.... do you still get those nightmares?" continued the voice. "Do you still have those voices, in your head, talking to you?" said the voice with all the seriousness he could sum together in this drunk state.
"No. I'm fine." is all I could come up with. "You need to sleep."
With that I saw his heavy eyelids  doze off to sleep, once again. A while later came the soft snoring. "God! he had to drink so much." I thought to myself.  "Tch. Tch. Tch. Tch." came the voice I've started to hate from a while. "But you're no one to comment, girl. You are the reason after all. You gave this to him. That poor lad's suffering 'cus of you. I gave you an option and you chose the wrong one." The voice continued. "And you're enjoying, aren't you?" I spat. "You've caused enough harm already. Now, stop this nuisance at once. I am done with your filthy pathetic games. I have lost enough. Not anymore." I managed to blurt out with all the courage I had in me. "Dearie. Dearie. Courage... is nice. Confidence... is superb but only, when you know what you're doing. And overconfidence... is bad. It's VERY VERY BAD. And darling, you don't know what you're doing. You and me? We've had the best times together. Remember? And this is where you belong, with me, on the dark side." Ignoring the voice I decided it will be best to simply leave the apartment for now. To avoid another fight. Or the awkwardness once he's awake and in his senses. Looking at him now, like this, breaks something inside. He said eyes are the window to ones soul and now I know.
I know, I put him in this situation but I need him back. The only good thing that has happened since.... I guess I'll simply leave a note. I, at least, owe an apology to the man who helped me deal with my demons and was always by my side during my dark times. I can try for one last time. 
It's been three months and I did make every effort to keep myself away from you, as per your request, until last night. Because what I saw, broke me. I knew I was the reason for all this. And I am sorry. From deep within, I am. And I know, I know sorry won't fix this but in your senses, you won't let me come near you and let me fix this for you. Just the way you did for me. Because you've got me inside you now. My demons. My ways. And my tactics. Pretense. Self-destruction. Sadism. And I know not what to do anymore. You fixed my broken soul, but what do I do to fix yours? It hurts to see you hurt yourself this way. And were you not always the one to stop me from drinking and cut myself? So, why'd you do this to yourself and how?
Last night, you kept calling my name out, same as you used to, but I know not if it would be the same once you're up and sober. I know this journey hasn't been easy. And more than anything, I've always brought you pain which you're never supposed to feel or go through.
Before, after and in between my demons, your angels, my anger, your pain, my ego, your self-respect, my decisions, your opinions, my naivety, your maturity, there was one thing constant- our love. It kept us going. It helped us to get through from every mess we got ourselves into. And there's no denying the fact that it still exists. At least now, I know. I don't know if you will remember what happened last night and not that i really want you to.... but I know you still care.
We might not be perfect but for once, I know, you're perfect for me. No matter how hard we've tried to stay away, we end up together, always. Between us, you're the hopeless romantic, remember? And how you believed in the 'signs of universe'? Isn't this one?

I know I'm, not the right or perfect woman you dreamt of, rather this bastard who's never known to live life and enjoy. A life full of dreams and good things. All I knew was a life full of demons and darkness. But then YOU happened to me. For a change, I felt HAPPY. I DID. You've taught me to fight my darkness and trust me, it feels much light, free and happy. But, shame, all I could give you was my negativity and darkness.

You pulled me to the right side and I pushed you on the wrong.
But like me,if you'll let me in, for one last time, I promise to fix this for once and all. I can't lose you again. Because now that I've found you, I wish to never part from you from this day on."

Mr. Apurva Srivastav

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